ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
You Might Also Like
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.