“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car