Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
No, YOUR illiterate.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
quarantine day 3
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.