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@JermHimselfish: Me: I don't know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
@iQuoteComedy: "Are you ok?" "No, I'm bleeding because its fun."
@mydmac: Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
@ProfaneDane: An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
@fuzzlime: put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I'm motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
@ThaJawn: Pro Tip
Jehovah's Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry