Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.