ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!