Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying