[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
You Might Also Like
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive