Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”