Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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Coffee for people with no kids
(2022)
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
How wrong was this guy?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace