ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*puts my mental health in rice
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him