ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.