Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
We need more people like this.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.