I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken