ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after