Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
You Might Also Like
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
What the hell happened in there??
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Finished stitching this today 😇
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.