me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
No, YOUR illiterate.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me if I was a dog
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan