must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.