I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
omg leave her alone
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper