Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
It has been 3 years since Monday.