Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.