Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
3% human
97% stress
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH