Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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marvel comics have peaked
I just tested negative for patience.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
an octopus is just a wet spider
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there