Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.