ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
accurate
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table