I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.