Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.