Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*