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@liv_thatsme: Me: I hate one-uppers.
One-upper: Not as much as I do.
@Samzen_: World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson's daughter.
@Moronyc: I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
@TrainedHedonist: What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers."
What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."
@RorynotRoy: Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, "Yeah, I've been working out." Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, "I feel SO fat."
@thejessbess: Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.