“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.