ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog