Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”