Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
the three genders
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.