ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
😍😂🥰😂😍
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs