I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is