FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
tourist season
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle