If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Dammit Chief not again
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.