[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Dune (2021)
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Wasn’t this a cartoon.