[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
You Might Also Like
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Herpes is trending, good job people
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
those birds must be on payroll
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears