ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Cake safety first. Always.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare