Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right