Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Kids, do not try this at home!
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.