ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Erm…
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.