Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?