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@JediGigi: Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I'm like right here
@DamienFahey: Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
@Sanbel11: Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we'll be moving any second now.
@PoliUncorrect: Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you... Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)
@KenJennings: Friday night is my weekly time to ponder...which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
@briangaar: If you pull a lizard's tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like "dude."