Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I WON A HAM TODAY
Omg 🤣
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
never deleting this app.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.