ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Cashiers are always checking me out
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
barbara was highly relatable