Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.