Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
What?!?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer