ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before