Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves