Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.